VNTIiO 

&UVV! 


presented  to  the 
UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
SAN  DIEGO 

by 

JAMES  A.   LEFIWICH 


UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
OF  CALIFORNIA.  SAN  DIEt* 
IA  JOUA. 


THE  LIMERATOMY 


As  I  lay  in  my  bed  on  the  flat  o'  me, 
I  was  shocked  at  the  sight  of  the  fat  o'  me, 
So  to  keep  my  nerves  steady, 
I  concocted  and  edi- 
ted this  luminous,  lim'rtck  anatomy. 


A  COMPENDIUM  OF 
UNIVERSAL  KNOWLEDGE 

FOR    THE 

MORE  PERFECT  UNDERSTANDING  OF  THE 
HUMAN  MACHINE 

BY 
ANTHONY  EUWER 

Done  in  the  Limerick  Tongue  and  Copiously 

Visualized  with  Illustragraphs 

by  the  Perpetrator 


fork 

JAMES  B.  POND 
1917 


Copyright,  1917,  by 
JAMES  B.  POND 


Published,  July,  1917 


VA.IL-BALLOU     COMPANY 
BINGHAMTON  AND  NEW  YORK 


DEDICATION 

When  I  get  next  to  facts,  I'm  afraid  I'm 

Inclined  more  or  less  to  parade  'em, 

Hence    I    gladly    inscribe 

To   the   medical   tribe 

Whatsoever  they  find  here  to  aid  'em. 


For  the  privilege  of  using  a  number  of  the  lim- 
ericks and  drawings  in  "  The  Limeratomy,"  the 
author  wishes  especially  to  thank  the  publishers  of 
Collier's  for  their  courtesy.  Also  the  Associated 
Sunday  Magazine. 


PREFACE 

There  is  probably  no  order  of  verse  that  has  met 
with  higher-browed  disdain  than  the  lowly  limerick. 
Some  poeticians  would  place  it  beside  the  sea- 
cucumber  in  the  scale  of  poetic  animal  life.  Others 
go  still  further,  terming  it  the  Ford  of  poetic  loco- 
motion. True  poetry-poets  of  the  thirty-five  cent 
magazines  as  well  as  newspaper  rhymsters  of  low 
degree  have  conspired  alike  to  accomplish  its  down- 
fall. It  has  no  place  among  the  exquisitries  of  mod- 
ern poesy.  It  has  been  banished  from  the  councils 
of  the  profession.  But  the  office-boy,  the  printer's 
devil,  the  man  of  the  street  —  they  have  welcomed 
the  waif.  Honest,  direct  and  unpretentious  —  it 
has  found  a  lodging  place  in  the  heart  of  the  multi- 
tude. 

Many  find  joy  in  committing  the  limerick  to  mem- 
ory, some  commit  them  to  the  public,  while  there  are 
those  who  prefer  to  commit  them  with  other  secret 
crimes  in  the  innermost  recesses  of  their  own  souls. 
Where  is  the  man  who  has  not  committed  the  lim- 
erick in  some  form  or  other?  Find  him  and  you  will 
find  one  whose  heart  is  hermetically  hardened  —  a 
boob,  a  billy  goat  and  an  undesirable  citizen. 

The  spirit  of  the  time  demands  a  cipher  code  for 
the  expression  and  recording  of  its  impressions. 


8 

The  limerick  is  the  logical  outcome  of  that  spirit. 
It  is  the  c^stalized  answer  to  the  universal  need. 

Just  here  one  is  reminded  that  there  is  still  a  cer- 
tain faction  whose  conception  of  the  limerick  is  some- 
what incomplete  and  hazy.  A  couplet  or  a  ballad 
or  a  sonnet  perchance,  if  couched  in  sufficiently  rol- 
licking rhyme,  may  run  a  grave  chance  of  becoming 
a  limerick  to  the  uninitiated.  This  is  to  be  deplored, 
for  the  personality  of  the  limerick  rests  largely  on 
the  preciseness  of  its  form.  Craving  the  patience  of 
the  more  literate,  the  writer  begs  to  submit  the  fol- 
lowing constructive  definition  of  the  limerick. 

Once  you've  got  a  good  notion  with  pith 

Then  you  rhyme  it  with  something  like  "  myth," 

Hhyming  on  a  bit  more 

In  lines  three  and  four, 

Matching  up  with  the  first  in  the  fifth. 

In  a  recent  magazine  article  on  phonetic  spelling, 
there  appeared  a  statement  that  read  something  as 
follows  — "  If  introduced  into  the  public  schools,  it 
would  mean  a  saving  of  an  hour  a  day  for  each  pupil 
and  about  ten  millions  of  dollars  annually  to  the 
state." 

What  a  tremendous  saving  might  likewise  have 
been  accomplished,  both  for  themselves  and  poster- 
ity, had  some  of  our  literary  giants  made  straight 
for  their  goal  on  the  wings  of  the  limerick.  Homer, 
Dante,  Shakespeare  and  Robert  W.  Chambers! 
What  a  shrivelling  of  ponderous  tomes !  What  ro- 
bust years  saved  for  useful  pursuits !  Had  Shakes- 


PREFACE  9 

pearc  grasped  the  possibilities  of  the  limerick,  the 
Prince  of  Elsinore  would  have  tripped  lightly  down 
to  us  in  five  lines  instead  of  five  acts. 

When   Hamlet  the   Dane  was   put  hep 

To   his   uncle's   perfidious   rep, 

He  swore  dire  reprisal, 

But  it  ended  in  fizzle  — 

He  meant  well  but  hadn't  the  pep. 

Hugo  would  have  made  a  great  limericker.  His 
passion  for  infinite  tersities  proves  it.  How  much 
less  miserable  might  Jean  Valjean  have  been,  if  his 
hard  lines  had  been  reduced  to  five.  Nor  deem  it 
heresy  when  such  an  holy  relic  as  "  The  Raven  "  of 
Edgar  Allan  Poe  is  subjected  to  attack.  Had  the 
poet  employed  the  more  direct  method,  the  true  facts 
of  the  case  would  have  at  once  been  relieved  of  all 
reiteration  and  prolixity. 

Once  a  raven  from  Pluto's  dark  shore 

Bore  the  singular  news — "Nevermore." 

'Twas  of  fruitless  avail 

To  ask  further  detail  — 

His  reply  was  the  same  as  before. 

There  is  embodied  in  the  limerick  an  emergency 
reserve  to  cope  with  all  circumstance.  One  is  touch- 
ingly  reminded  of  the  tale  of  that  unfortunate  bi- 
valve and  his  domestic  infelicities. 

With  his  adipose  wife  lived  an  oyster, 
And  his  old  eye  grew  moister  and  moister; 
"  When  she  sits  on  my  lap," 
He  would  say,  "  I'd  be  hap- 
py if  only  I  knew  how  to  hoist  her ! " 


10  PREFACE 

Reams  of  discursive  prose  have  been  offered  both 
in  support  and  condemnation  of  free  verse.  A  main- 
tains that  substance  is  the  one  consideration ;  the 
form  of  little  or  no  consequence.  B  would  ignore 
substance  and  enthrone  form.  Might  not  the  fol- 
lowing lines  suggest  a  happy  conclusion  to  the  whole' 
matter. 

There's  a  popular  notion  that  poetry 
Should  have  in  it  something  to  show  it  re- 
echoes the  soul, 
But  that's  not  the  whole  — 
It  should  likewise  reveal  rythmic  flowetry. 

The  above  illustrations  taken  from  widely  diver- 
gent angles,  have  here  been  cited  to  show  that  there 
has  at  last  been  found  a  universal  language-peg  for 
whatsoever-sized  holes.  The  pathos  of  the  dra- 
matic ;  the  beauty  of  the  lyric ;  the  searching  direct- 
ness of  the  analytic  —  you  may  find  them  all  in  the 
five-lined  essence  —  the  quintessence  of  the  limerick. 

Hence  the  "  Limerick  Anatomy  "  or  "  Limerat- 
omy."  In  this  clinic-limerique  the  author  has  en- 
deavored to  put  within  the  common  grasp,  certain 
livid  and  burning  truths  that  have  been  dragged 
from  heaped-up  piles  of  scientific  expression  and 
kultur.  It  is  hoped  that  the  appearance  of  this 
little  volume  may  prove  a  happy  psychology  at  this 
time  —  an  age  of  self-examination  —  an  epoch  when 
the  human  machine  is  coming  into  its  own.  To 
know  the  whence,  the  wherefore  and  the  why-is-it,  is 
to  forestall  the  thence,  the  therefore  and  the  conse- 
quently. 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

THE   NUT 15 

THE  HAIR 17 

THE  FACE 17 

THE    DOUBLE    FACADE 19 

THE   BRAIN 21 

THE  CONSCIENCE 21 

THE   HIGH-BROW 23 

THE    NOSE 23 

THE    COLD 25 

THE    SNEEZE 25 

THE    SNORE 27 

THE    SOUL 29 

FILLET   OF    SOUL 29 

THE  EYES 31 

THE    IRIS 33 

THE    PUPILS 33 

THE   LASHES 35 

THE    DIMPLE 35 

THE    EXPRESSION 37 

THE    SMILE 37 

THE    COMPLEXION 39 

CAUTION 39 

THE  WHISKERS 41 

THE  EARS          43 

THE  CHIN                                         45 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

THE  JOWL 45 

THE  LIPS 47 

THE  CORPUSCLES 47 

THE  TEETH 49 

ADMONITION 49 

THE  VOICE 51 

THE  TONGUE 51 

THE  EPIGLOTTIS 53 

THE  TONSILS 53 

THE  NECK 55 

THE  ADAM'S  APPLE 55 

THE  TUM 57 

THE  APPETITE 59 

THE  FLESH 59 

ADIPOSITY 61 

THE  SKIN 61 

THE  THIN 63 

THE   FAMILY  SKELETON 63 

THE  VEGETARIAN 65 

THE    MUSCLES 65 

THE  FIGURE 67 

THE  BACK-BONE 69 

THE  NERVY  SYSTEM 71 

THE   MEDULLA   OBLONGATA 71 

THE    MOLECULAR   THEORY 73 

THE  LUNGS 73 

THE  COCKLES 75 

THE  HEART 75 

THE  BLOOD 77 

THE  TORSO 77 

THE  WAIST 79 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

THE  ARMS .79 

THE  HANDS 81 

THE  FUNNY   BONE 81 

THE  FINGERS 83 

THE  PALM 83 

THE  KNEES 85 

THE  KIDNEYS 85 

THE  Bow   LEGS 87 

THE  CALVES 87 

THE  ANKLE 89 

THE   FEET          89 

PIGEON  TOES 91 

THE  TOES 91 

IN   RETROSPECT 93 

THE  APPENDIX 96 


14 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


THE  NUT 

ARGUMENT 

Biology  and  botany  alike  agree  that  there  is  a  common 
ground  where  plant  life  and  animal  life  comingle,  when-  the 
boundary  line  is  variable  and  indefinite.  In  beginning  the 
present  treatise  it  was  deemed  advisable  to  start  from  some 
such  neutral  territory.  For  such  a  beginning,  no  more  notable 
example  could  be  found  than  the  case  of  the  nut.  We  will 
consider  the  nut,  under  normal  conditions  a  vegetable  growth, 
at  that  point  where  it  becomes  absorbed  by  the  animal  king- 
dom. 


THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY  15 

THE  NUT 

When  you've  bats  in  your  belfry  that  flut, 

When  your  comprenez-vous  rope  is  cut, 

When  there's  nobody  home 

In  the  top  of  your  dome  — 

Then  vour  head's  not  a  head;  it's  a  nut. 


In  the  contemplation  of  the  nut  we  are  confronted  with  an 
anatomical  condition,  not  a  theory.  Nor  is  the  day  of  nutty 
things  to  be  viewed  lightly  —  there  are  far  lower  levels  of 
abysmal  chaos  and  coagulation. 


NOTE 

There  are  belfries  whose  bats  are  so  flutty, 

With  walls  built  so  largely  of  putty, 

Where  the  gloom  is  so  dense  — 

And   the   void   so   immense  — 

Well  in  that  case  you're  not  even  nutty. 


16 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  HAIR 


When  from  the  superb  lines  of  the  dome  the  thatch  has 
fallen,  rejoice,  oh  man,  in  its  sublime  beauty  —  for  thus  doth 
Nature  unveil  at  last  the  hidden  glory  of  her  handiwork. 


THE     LIMERATOMY  17 

THE  HAIR 

The  ways  of  the  hair  they  are  various, 

Its  career  not  a  little  precarious, 

Ofttimes  \ve  may  note 

One  alone  and  remote, 

Then  again  it  may  be  quite  gregarious. 

The  head  has  an  architectural  fronting  or  facade,  called  the 
face.  Approaching  the  fa9ade,  we  are  thrilled  with  various 
emotions. 

THE  FACE* 

As  a  beauty   I'm  not  a  great  star, 
There  are  others  more  handsome  by  far, 
But  my  face   I   don't  mind  it, 
Because  I'm  behind  it  — 
'Tis  the  folks  in  the  front  that  I  jar. 


*  This  limerick,  written  by 
the  author  some  years  ago, 
has  been  accredited  to  a  va- 
riety of  different  sources. 
It  will  be  chiefly  remem- 
bered as  the  favorite  limerick 
of  President  Wilson,  who  has 
used  it  on  a  number  of  not- 
able occasions. 


18 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  DOUBLE  FACADE 


In  the  dispensary   of  Humanity  the  rule  is  one   face  per 
put.    There  are  exceptions  however. 


THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY  19 


THE  DOUBLE  FACADE 

Don't  be  caught  by  the  fair-weather  smile, 

'Tis  a  two-faced  contortion  most  vile, 

For  you  actually  think 

You're  a  trump,  from  her  wink, 

But  you're  being  bawled  out  all  the  while. 


Of  making  many  faces  there  is  no  end.  The  mobile  coun- 
tenance of  Nature  is  forever  twitching  and  it  never  twitches 
twice  in  the  same  place. 


NOTE 

In   the    wax    works   of    Nature    they    strike 
Off  each  minute   some  face  for  life's  hike, 
And  of  billions  of  mugs 
On    us    poor   human    bugs  — 
There  are  no  two  exactly  alike. 


THE    LIME R ATOMY 


THE   BRAIN 


Beneath  the  belfry  or  dome  we  find  space.  At  times  this 
space  is  occupied  by  a  mellow,  thoughtful  sort  of  substance, 
called  brain. 


THE     LIME  R  ATOMY  21 


THE  BRAIN 

To  manage  and  keep  up  a  brain 

Is  no  easy  job,  it  is  plain, 

That's  why  a  great  many 

Don't  ever  use  any, 

Thus  avoiding  the  care  and  the  strain. 


The  conscience  is  an  articulate  organ  attached  to  the  brain, 
made  of  a  pliable  substance  which  will  become  quickly  hard- 
ened through  lack  of  use.  It  is  said  to  possess  a  still,  small 
voice  —  most  likely  soprano. 


THE  COXSCIEXCE 

With  a  conscience  we're  able  to  see 
Just  how  bad  we're  permitted  to  be, 
At  the  same  time  it's  true 
That  what's  wicked  for  you 
Mightn't  be  half  so  wicked  for  me. 


THE  HIGH-BROW 


Fronting  the  brain  is  the  lunette  or  brow.    The  high  and  low 
lunette  mark  two  prominent  schools  of  architecture. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  HIGH-BROW 

When  you  simply  can't  get  reconciled 

To  the  home  folks  and  feel  you're  defiled 

By  the  smirch  and  the  splatter 

Of  plain,  common  chatter  — 

You're  becoming  a  high-brow,  my  child. 

Beneath  the  lunette  projects  the  nasal  awning  by  means  of 
which  we  are  lured  by  many  a  fragrant  zephyr,  or  gently  ad- 
monished \vlu-n  an  ill  wind  blows;  all  of  which  necessitates  an 
involved  mechanism  situated  in  an  olfactory  cite  in  the  suburbs 
of  the  cerebrum. 

THE  NOSE 

Through   the  nose  we   all  learn  by  degrees 

How  to  snuffle  and  snort  and  to  sneeze, 

And  by  mere  inhalation 

To  sense  the  gradation 

'Twixt  roses  and  Limberger  cheese. 


24. 


THE     LIMERATOMY 


THE  COLD 


Like   other  construction  work,   the  machinery  of  the   nose 
is  subject  to  the  variations  of  heat  and  cold. 


THE     LIMERATOMY  25 

THE  COLD 

When  your  stoppcd-up  proboscis  turns  red 

And  you  heartily  wish  you  were  dead, 

And  you  can't  taste  or  smell 

And  you  feel  just  like  —  well  — 

There's  a  chance  you've  a  cold  in  your  head. 


In  the  absence  of  other  symptoms,  the  presence  of  the  cold 
is  readily  detected  by  the  sneeze. 


THE  SNEEZE 

Now  the  sneeze  is  a  joy-vent,  I  s'pose, 

When  you're  tickled  to  death  in  your  nose  — 

A   pleasing    explosion, 

Creating  erosion  — 

But  you  want  to  watch  out  where  it  goes. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  SNORE 


By  degrees  from  a  wheeze  to  a  roar,  then  some  more,  then  a 
score  —  that's  a  snore.  The  snore  is  the  antithesis  of  the 
sneeze.  It  has  ruined  more  sleep  than  all  the  cats  in  Chris- 
tendom; it  has  produced  more  expletives  than  the  sea-going 
contingent  of  the  world's  merchant  marine;  and  caused  more 
divorces  than  cold  feet,  drink  or  infidelity. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  SNORE 

In  the  night  when  I'm  waked  with  a  snore, 

I  wonder  if  folks  gone  before, 

Keep  up  the  same  air 

In  the  mansions  up  there? 

How  it  must  make  the  Archangels  sore! 


NOTE 

Though  'twould  seem  like  the  snorer's  in  pain, 

'Tis   a   fact   that  the   physical  strain 

Is   borne   by   the   person 

Who  lies  awake  cursin', 

Counting  hours  till  it's  daylight  again. 


THE     LIMERATOMY 


THE  SOUL 


That  the  snore  is  directly  connected  with  the  soul,  we  can 
not  doubt,  even  admitting  the  probability  that  the  snore  is  the 
soul  in  pain.  And  what  is  the  soul?  The  illustrograph  above 
will  give  some  idea.  Other  ideas  are  not  barred  from  the  con- 
test. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  29 

THE  SOUL 

Is  the  soul,  do  you  s'pose,  stiff  or  limp? 

Or  in  folds  or  a  roll  or  a  crimp? 

There  are  times  when  I  think 

That  it's  squirmy  and  pink, 

Or  mayhap  like  a  pretzel  or  shrimp. 


Much  evidence  has  recently  been  brought  to  light  pointing 
toward  the  materialistic  theory  of  the  soul. 


FILLET  OF  SOUL 

If  there's  fillet  of  soul,  then  it's  true, 
That  the  soul  has  a  fillet  —  some  clew ! 
Though  it  does  seem  incredible 
That  the  soul  should  be  edible, 
I  think  it's  convincing,  don't  you? 


30 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


J 


THE  EYES 


Beneath  the  lunette  are  the  port-holes  of  the  dome;  they  are 
also  acclaimed  the  windows  of  the  soul.  In  medical  science 
they  are  recognised  as  optics.  In  the  vulgate  —  eyes,  blinkers, 
lamps,  etc. 


31 


THE  EYES 

In  the  eyes  all  the  blues  of  the  skies  are, 

And  how  varied  the  sizes  of  eves  are  — 

Why  they  come,  some  so  small, 

You  scarce  see  them  at  all, 

While  others  are  big  round  as  pies  are. 


Although  the  focus  of  the  eye  is  infinite,  the  angle  of  vision 
is  limited. 


NOTE 

When   I   gaze  where  the  nebulae  are, 
I   see  trillions  of  miles  —  pretty  far ! 
Yet   I    oft  miss   the   ditch 
Right  in  front  of  me  which 
Lies  a-top  of  my  own  little  star. 


THE     LI M ERATO  MY 


THE   IRIS 


Within  the  port-hole  is  a  circle  of  stained  glass,  called  the 
iris.  Its  highly  decorative  effect  is  often  ruined  by  attempted 
embellishment  on  the  outer  facade. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 

THE  IRIS 

When  your  iris  is  stunning,  Gee  Whiz  it 

Seems  tough  it  should  be  less  exquisite  — 

By  dimming  its  glim 

With  a  tortoise-shell  rim  — 

And  it  ain't  indispensable,  is  it? 


To  heighten  the  color  effect  of  the  iris,  a  small  black  dot  is 
effectively  placed  in  the  centre.  It  is  called  the  pupil.  In  the 
place  of  the  usual  dot  there  is  occasionally  found  the  polka  dot 
or  dancing  pupil  referred  to  below. 


THE  PUPILS 

There  are  pupils  and  pupils  —  some  flickery, 

Some  steadfast  and  some  filled  with  trickery; 

Some    pupils    with    scruples, 

And  some  dancing  pupils  — 

The  last  is  the  pupil  Terpsichore. 


THE     LI M ERA  TO  MY 


THE  LASHES 

On  all  well  regulated  eyes  will  he  found  the  shutter,  lid,  or 
curtain,  with  its  fringe  or  lash.  The  true  function  of  the  lash 
is  as  yet  suppositional. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  0  M  Y  35 


THE  LASHES 

Why  the  lashes  were  made  I'm  not  certain, 

'Less  'twas  maybe  as  fringe  to  the  curtain, 

Which  when  lowered  demurely, 

Lends  a  lure  that  is  surely 

An  invalu'ble  adjunct  to  flirtin'. 


Of  equal  efficiency  in  this  pleasant  pastime  is  the  dimple. 
Whether  the  dimple  is  a  species  of  sport  growth  or  the  result 
of  erosion,  is  not  definitely  known. 


THE  DIMPLE 

There  are  those  who  look  fair  with  the  dimple, 

And  others  who  look  simply  simple. 

Some  say  'tis   a  whimlet 

Of  Dame   Nature's  gimlet  — 

Or  it  may  be  an  inverted  pimple. 


36 


THE     LIMERATOMY 


THE  EXPRESSION 


When  the  general  tranquillity  of  the  countenance  is  broken 
by  an  upheaval  of  the  features,  there  is  produced  the  phenome- 
non of  expression. 


THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY  37 


THE  EXPRESSION 

By  contorting  the  face  epidermis, 

Or  skin,  or  whatever  the  term  is, 

We  express  or  display 

Pride,  joy  or  dismay  — 

The  expression's  wherever  the  squirm  is. 

The  smile  is  produced  by  the  upward  squirm.  It  is  induced 
by  miscellaneous  emotions  and  is  a  mild  form  of  spontaneous 
combustion.  It  is  a  pleasing  recreation  and  may  be  used  as  a 
morning  exercise,  when  not  indulged  in  to  excess.  The  smile 
is  either  involuntary  or  mechanical.  (See  Double  Facade.) 

THE  SMILE 

Xo  matter  how  grouchy  you're  feeling, 

You'll  find  the  smile  more  or  less  healing. 

It  grows  in  a  wreath 

All  around  the  front  teeth  — 

Thus  preserving  the  face  from  congealing. 


38 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  COMPLEXION 


Under  some  conditions,  the  expression  becomes  imbedded  be- 
neath a  composition  or  stucco,  called  the  complexion. 


THE     LIMERATOMY  39 

THE  COMPLEXION 

When  you've  plastered  and  rouged  out  the  specks, 

And  you've  cosmedicated  the  flecks 

With  lotion  and  salve  — 

You'll  prob'lv  then  have 

Found  out  why  the  complexion's  "  complex." 


Oh  where  are  the  pink  contours  of  yesterday?  Ask  of  the 
snowy  summit  of  the  nose — serene  abos-e  the  chalky  drifts — 
the  scenic  splendor  of  My  Lady's  face.  Yet  hist!  A  memory 
of  other  days  babbles  gently  in  our  ears  a  little  hymn  of  cau- 
tion. 


CAUTION 

Now  your  talc  is  intended,  dear  friend, 

Not   to  plaster  ad   I'b,  but  should  blend 

In  a  soft,  subtle  way  — 

Not  in  vulgar  display  — 

In  short,  as  a  means  to  an  end. 


40 


THE     LI M ERATO  MY 


THE  WHISKERS 


After  all,  Nature  isn't  so  worse  —  when  she  passes  you  a 
lemon  in  one  hand,  with  the  other  she  gives  you  sprigs  of  alfalfa 
to  wreathe  around  it.  Faces  that  are  not  citrie  in  tendency 
attain  their  greatest  charm  —  like  the  tail  of  the  mule  —  from 
constant  pruning. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


41 


THE  WHISKERS 

When  your  countenance  ain't  comme  il  font, 

'Tis  a  jolly  good  stunt  just  to  grow 

All  available  spots 

In  whiskery  plots  — 

That  is,  if  they're  willing  to  grow. 


NOTE 

I  wish  when  my  whiskers  were  sown 

In  my  chin  soil,  the   seed  had  been  blown 

To   my   belfry's   bald   top, 

Where  I  so  need  a  crop 

To  supplant  what  I   once  used  to  own. 


THE  EARS 


On  either  side  of  the  dome  are  the  spiral  punctures,  or  ears, 
originally  designed  for  the  detection  of  sound. 


THE    L I M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  43 

THE  EARS 

Now  the  ears,  so  I  always  had  thunk, 

Should  bear  sounds  to  the  top  of  the  trunk, 

But  from  some  I  observe, 

They  seem  merely  to  serve 

As  racks  for  the  Jooler-man's  junk. 


The  human  ear  is  distinguished  from  other  varieties  by  rea- 
son of  its  stationary  attribute.  This  condition  may  be  over- 
come, however,  by  constant  practice. 


NOTE 

Though  you're  able  to  do  it,  my  dears, 

Let  us  hope  you  don't  wiggle  your  ears. 

To  be  perfectly  blunt  — 

'Tis  an  assinine  stunt 

Done  by   folks  who  are  loose  in  their  gears. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  CHIX 


On  the  southern  slope  of  the  facade  are  the  dunes  of  the  chin. 
As  the  chin  had  not  yet  appeared  on  the  slope  of  primitive  man, 
we  are  led  to  conclude  that  the  art  of  "  chinning "  is  of  geo- 
logically recent  date,  probably  not  earlier  than  1,000,000  B.C. 


THE     LIMERATOMY  45 

THE  CHIN 

The  chin  it  was  made  to  give  trouble, 

Either  pimples  or  dimples  or  stubble, 

Though  some  have  the  gall 

To  not  grow  at  all, 

While  others  come  triple  and  double. 


Many  a  prominent  young  chin  has  been  slowly  buried  alive 
by  the  shifting  sands  of  time. 


THE  JOWL 

When  your  voice  tumbles  out  with  a  growl, 
When  you  grab  up  your  fork  like  a  trow'l, 
When  your  gray  stuff  is  packed 
In  a  nut  that's  straight-backed  — 
Tis  a  ten-to-one  shot  you've  a  jowl. 


46 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  LIPS 


Just  beneath  the  awning  are  the  ruby  gates  of  the  portico. 
The  entre  here  is  by  means  of  the  countersign  —  which  has  been 
the  same  in  all  ages  and  all  climes. 


THE     LIMEBATOMY  47 

THE  LIPS 

Be  your  speech  esperanto  or  cryptical, 

Futuric  or  ancient  Egyptical, 

There  is  one  common  lingo 

That  gets  there  —  by  Jingo  ! 

If  you  gather  my  meaning  —  the  liptickle. 


Ruby  or  lip-red  was  unquestionably  the  result  of  much  ex- 
periment. No  other  color  of  the  spectrum  gives  such  a  natural 
touch. 


THE  CORPUSCLES 

Did  you  know  that  an  infinite  slew 

Of  red  poker  chips  cause  the  hue 

On  your  lips,  and  so  small  — 

For  they're  corpuscles  all, 

What?     You  didn't  know  that?     Well  they  do! 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  TEETH 


We  now  enter  the  main  hall-way  that  leads  to  the  various 
departments  of  the  interior.  Here  we  encounter  the  pickets  or 
teeth,  a  splendid  and  ferocious  company  whose  reign  of  fright- 
fulness  endureth  forever. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  49 

THE  TEETH 

'Tis  a  great  satisfaction,  in  sooth, 

When  you've  got  almost  ev'ry  front  tooth. 

Still  with  all  of  them  present 

It's  even  more  pleasant 

And  perhaps  just  a  trifle  more  couth. 


The  pickets  should  be  kept  in  fighting  trim  for  any  emer- 
gency.    Still,  intensive  training  has  its  limits. 


ADMONITION 

When  the  pickets  you  pick,  do  refrain 

From  the  use  of  a  fork.     I'll  explain  — 

Just  supposing,  perchance, 

Should  the  instrument  glance  — 

What  a  hole  it  might  make  in  your  brain. 


50 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE   VOICE 


When  a  draught  of  hot  air  passes  through  the  hall-way,  it  is 
transmuted  into  sound,  which  is  then  separated  into  talk,  guff 
and  other  by-products. 


THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY  51 

THE  VOICE 

With  an  in  and  an  out  exhalation 

We  make  voice  with  a  vocal  vibration, 

Which  trained  hard  and  long 

We  may  turn  into  song, 

Then  again  into  mere  conversation. 


Among  the  many  appurtenances  of  the  main  hall-way  is  the 
sliding  floor,  or  escalator,  called  the  tongue. 


THE  TONGUE 

To  distinguish  the  tongue  prob'ly  this'll 
Assist,  when  I  say  'tis  of  gristle. 
It's  our  censor  of  taste  — 
Although  locally  placed 
As  a  gangway  for  vocal  epistle. 


THE     LI M ERATO MY 


THE  EPIGLOTTIS 


Bearing  southward,  we  reach  the  region  of  the  epiglottis. 


53 


THE  EPIGLOTTIS 

Have  a  heart  for  your  poor  epiglottis, 

Don't  crowd  down  your  victuals,  for  what  is 

More  sad  than  the  sight 

Of  a  wind-pipe  plugged  tight 

When  the  food  fails  to  see  where  the  slot  is. 


To  the  north  of  the  epiglottis  is  the  tonsorial  parlor,  where 
the  tonsils  may  frequently  be  found. 


THE  TOXSILS 

With  the  tonsils  the  principal  wheeze 

Is  to  harbor  the  germs  of  disease. 

That's  why  most  M.D.  dope 

Avers  they're  de  trope  — 

Poor  French  but  good  rhyme,  if  you  please ! 


THE     LIMERATOMY 


THE   NECK 


Surmounted   on   the   trunk   is   a   hollow   isthmus,   or   tubing, 
called  the  neck.     It  conveys  the  plumbing  system  to  the  dome. 


THE    LIMER ATOMY 


55 


THE  NECK 

To  the  head  set  on  top  like  a  cobble, 
The  neck  gives  its  rotary  wobble ; 
Often  fat,  often  thin, 
Sometimes  covered  with  skin, 
It  also  assists  us  to  gobble. 

Can  it  be  that  the  throat  is  the  seat  of  the  emotions?  Have 
you  ever  felt  a  big  lump  there  in  moments  of  great  sorrow 
and  privation?  Do  not  swallow  this  lump,  however  tempted. 
Sometimes  this  lump  is  mistaken  for  varicose  windpipe.  It  is 
particularly  apparent  when  there  is  insufficient  masonry  to 
cover  the  plumbing. 


c 


THE  ADAM'S  APPLE 

How  often  some  grievous  mishap'll 

Start  the  throat  on  a  lump-gripping  grapple. 

And  it  grows  and  it  grows, 

Keeping  pace  with  our  woes, 

And  it's  known  by  the  term  "  Adam's  Apple.'1 


56 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  TUM 


Entering  the  lift  near  the  epiglottis  and  forging  south,  the 
next  point  of  interest  is  the  crypt,  or  turn. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  57 


THE  TUM 

The  turn's  a  distributing  place 

For  the  cargoes  that  enter  the  face; 

Perhaps  a  small  station 

Or  large  corporation  — 

It  depends  on  the  manager's  pace. 


An  unwillingness  among  the  medical  profession  to  speak  of 
a  shovel  as  a  shovel,  has  wrought  endless  confusion  concerning 
the  commissariat. 


NOTE 

To  employ  the  evasive  cognomen 

Is  a  practice  indulged  in  by  so  man- 

y,  who  will  not  be  frank  — 

Thus  the  "turn"  or  the  "tank" 

Is  dubbed  in  hushed  breath,  the  "  abdomen." 


58 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  APPETITE 


In  the  dark  confines  of  the  crypt  there  roves  an  unchained, 
uncanny  monster,  called  the  appetite. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  59 

THE  APPETITE 

We  admit  that  he's  low-browed  and  rummy, 
Yet  permit  him  to  be  rather  chummy, 
And  toss  him  down  grub  — 
Which  he  grabs  from  his  sub- 
terranean hole  in  our  tummy. 


All  poods  received  in  the  crypt  are  transferred  to  the  flesh 
department,  and  assorted.     There  are  several  varieties. 


THE  FLESH 

Since  the  days  when  the  race  was  first  bred, 

Human   flesh  has  been  usu'lly  red; 

Though   some   I've   detected, 

"Who —  were   they   dissected  — 

I  think  you'd  find  crab-meat  instead. 


60 


ADIPOSITY 


In  the  commissariat  all  excess  baggage  is  converted  into  adi- 
pose tissue,  in  which  case  there  is  but  one  alternative. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  61 

ADIPOSITY 

When  you're  too  adipose  to  be  bonny, 

And  it  makes  you  morose,  sad  and  wanny, 

There's  a  book,  if  you'll  buy  it, 

On  diet  —  go  try  it  — 

I  think  it's  called  "  Gorge  and  Grow  Scrawny." 


The  human  edifice  is  contained  in  an  elastic  and  water-proof 
wrapper,  called  the  skin. 


THE  SKINT 

We've  a  union-skin  suit  to  our  ears, 
Which  we  don  and  doff  each  seven  years. 
Though  we  often  feel  warm  in't, 
There's  charm  to  the  garment, 
For  it's  all  porus-knit,  it  appears. 


THE    L I M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


THE   THIN 


Strictly  speaking,  the  children  of  Adam  are  all  skinny,  which 
leads  us  to  the  astounding  discovery  that  skinny  people  are  not 
thin,  nor  fleshy  ones  fat.  The  truly  thin  person  is  distinguished 
by  a  preponderance  of  fleshy  absence. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


63 


THE  THIN 

In  the  space  twixt  the  bones  and  the  skin 

Is  the  place  where  most  people  get  thin. 

In  its  far  advanced  stages  — 

'Tis  truly  outrageous  — 

Like  a  sort  of  convent'nalised  pin. 


Beyond  the  n'th  power  of  the  thin  we  have  the  skeleton  of 
which  there  are  two  varieties — family  and  bony. 


THE  FAMILY  SKELETON 

Beside  his  own  bones  there  is  pent 

In  the  fam'ly  of  most  ev'ry  gent, 

A    private   collection  — 

Exempt  from  inspection  — 

By  common  desire  and  consent. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  VEGETARIAN 


Human  latitude  and  longitude,  as  previously  suggested,  are 
based  largely  on  diet  —  still  accidents  may  happen  to  the  be$t 
regulated  motives, 


65 


THE  VEGETARIAN 

When  a  bachelor  maiden  named  Sarah  Anne 
Found  a  fly  on  her  plate,  she  grew  very  an- 
gry.    Yelled  she,  "  Waiter ! 
Here's  meat  with  my  'tater, 
And  I  am  a  strict  Vegetarian !  " 


Whenever  the  skeleton  is  not  pleasing  to  look  upon,  it  is  dis- 
guised in  muscles,  which  are  also  useful  as  "shock  absorbers" 
while  on  tour. 


THE  MUSCLES 

Oh  I'm  glad   I'm  protected   from  knocks, 

From  my  neck-tie  clear  down  to  my  socks, 

And  padded  and  bolstered, 

Fenced  in  and  upholstered 

With  muscles  to  soak  up  the  shocks. 


66 


THE     LI M ERA TO MY 


THE  FIGURE 


The  end  of  all  flesh  is  musele,  the  end  of  all  muscle  is  tendon 
-the  end  of  both  a  pleasing  symposium  called  the  figure. 


THE  FIGURE 

She's  endeavored  since  corsets  began, 
To  improve  on  God's  work  when  she  can, 
Has  woman,  but  come  now, 
She's  got  to  go  some  now, 
To  beat  the  original  plan. 


NOTE 

Now  your  figure's  like  life  —  don't  mistake  it, 

For  it's  largely  whatever  you  make  it. 

It  can  be  the  real  stuff, 

Or  a  garment-made  bluff, 

In  so  far  as  your  tailor  can  fake  it. 


68 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE   BACKBONE 


To  the  rear  of  most  figures  will  be  found  the  hack-bone.  In 
ancient  narrative  it  has  been  observed  that  the  head  was  accus- 
tomed to  sit  upon  one  end  of  the  back-bone  and  the  owner  on 
the  other.  Today  we  find  that  history  has  not  ceased  to  repeat 
itself.  The  back-bone  is  best  viewed  during  the  period  of  low 
visibility. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M Y 


69 


THE  BACK-BONE 

Though  the  charm  of  her  youth  may  have  flown, 

Rare's  the  woman  who  can't  hold  her  own. 

When  it  comes  to  a  show-down, 

She'll  stick  on  a  IOWT  gown  — 

Just  to  show  that  she  has  some  back-bone. 


The  quality  of  the  vertebrae  is  variable.  At  times  it  is  a 
compote  of  pep,  ginger,  sand  and  reinforced  concrete.  In- 
stances of  non-resistant  material  are  also  found  in  huge  quan- 
tities, while  entirely  invertebrate  specimens  are  not  at  all  un- 
common. 

NOTE 

Now  this  statement  may  seem  rather  phony, 

But  some  back-bones  there  are  so  un-bony, 

So  wobbly  and  lacking 

In   stuff   that   makes   backing  — 

You  would  think  they  were  boiled  macaroni. 


THE  NERVY  SYSTEM 


Wherever  the  real  baek-bone  exists,  we  find  radiating  from 
it  the  nervy  system.  It  is  chiefly  brought  into  play  in  the 
absence  of  capillary  attraction. 


71 


THE  NERVY  SYSTEM 

Said  a  maid,  "  Now  that  fellow,  contwist  him, 

He  proposed,  and  I  couldn't  resist  him. 

I  guess  it  was  prob'ly 

Because  I  was  wobbly  — 

And  he'd  the  complete  nervy  system." 


In  the  constellation  of  the  nervy  system  will  likewise  be 
found  the  medula  oblongata,  explained  more  fully  by  the  neb- 
ular hypothesis,  details  of  which  may  be  found  elsewhere. 


THE  MEDULA  OBLONGATA 

Though  it  sounds  like  a  sort  of  sonata, 
'Tain't  confirmed  by  our  medical  data, 
I'm  referring  of  course 
To  that  centre  of  force  — 
The  medula-ah-ah-oblongata. 


THE  MOLECULAR  THEORY 


Do  not  brood  over  breeds  of  bacteria,  bewail  not  the  bound- 
less bacilli,  bothersome  though  they  be  that  beset  you.  Better 
to  bide  in  the  blissful  belief  that  brickbats  we're  blind  to,  won't 
bother  us,  than  be  brimming  with  baneful  biogeny. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


Don't  wear  your  life  out  with  molecular 
Problems  of  goblums  insecular. 
Though  the  ozone  may  seethe 
With  the  bugs  that  we  breathe, 
We  can't  be  too  bloomin'  partecular. 


The  lungs,  situated  on  the  mezzanine  beneath  the  airshaft, 
are  the  headquarters  of  the  fresh-air  mission,  supported  en- 
tirely by  involuntary  contributions.  As  in  other  charitable 
organizations,  donations  from  questionable  sources,  etc.,  &  etc., 
are  accepted  without  comment  —  for  the  greater  good  that  may 
result. 


THE  LUNGS 

To  convert  the  bad  blood  that  goes  swishin' 

Through  the  veins,  is  the  lungs'  chief  ambition. 

A   purity   fight 

That  keeps  up  day  and  night, 

Down  there  in  that  under-world  mission. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


THE  COCKLES 


Prior  to  the  appearance  of  the  present  treatise,  medical  sci- 
ence had  utterly  ignored  that  feature  of  the  hydraulic  system 
of  the  heart,  known  as  the  cockles. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  75 

THE  COCKLES 

Now  the  function  of  cockles,  we're  told, 

Is  just  to  get  warmed,  hence  I  hold  — 

And  I'm  quite  sure  that  you 

Will  agree  with  me  too  — 

That  the  cockles  are  usu'lly  cold. 


The  ancients  believed  that  the  heart  was  the  abode  of  the 
emotions.  In  a  previous  chapter  of  this  work  it  was  reason- 
ably suggested  that  the  emotions  were  situate  in  the  throat. 
As  the  heart  oftentimes  gets  into  the  throat,  might  it  not  have 
been  on  such  an  occasion  as  this  that  the  archaic  theory  was 
first  conceived. 


THE  HEART 

Human  hearts  are  hydraulicky  things, 
Not   love-lorn,  but   frolicky   things. 
Still   it's  well  to  watch  out 
That    they   don't    become    stout 
Alcoholicky,  bloated,  high-ballicky  things. 


76 


THE     LI! M  ERATO  MY 


THE  BLOOD 


From  the  pumping  station  the  blood  is  propelled  to  the 
uttermost  ends  of  the  figure.  The  blood  may  be  of  varied  hue, 
according  to  climate  and  previous  condition  of  servitude. 


77 


THE  BLOOD 

There  are  vessels  in  both  me  and  you, 

For  the  blood  to  carouse  along  through. 

Mine  I  like  rich  and  red 

From  m j  feet  to  my  head  — 

Although  some  are  quite  proud  of  their  blue. 


The  human  trunk,  or  torso,  is  built  on  the  ever-ready  plan 
and  comes  in  many  makes  and  all  sizes.  It  is  bound  in  hide, 
will  stand  jostling  and  is  admirably  constructed  for  travelling 
purposes. 


THE  TORSO 

I'm  so  glad  when  I  launched  on  life's  trip, 

That  my  paraphernalia  could  slip 

In  the  trays  of  my  torso; 

And  I'm  glad,  even  more  so, 

'Twas  a  trunk  that  I  had  —  not  a  grip. 


78 


THE  WAIST 


As  originally  arranged,  the  trunk  was  made  to  strap  around 
the  middle.  The  rule,  however,  is  no  longer  observed  in  latter- 
day  architecture, 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


79 


THE  WAIST 

An  imag'nary  line  is  the  waist 

Which  seldom  stays  long  where  it's  placed, 

But  ambles  and  skips 

Twixt  shoulders  and  hips, 

According  to  popular  taste. 


One  of  the  first  thoughts  of  nature  is  Preparedness.     Hence 
the  armament  of  the  human  edifice. 


THE  ARMS 

How  mechanical  feats  seem  to  shrivel, 

How  the  genius  of  man  turns  to  drivel, 

When  we   stand  off  and  gaze 

At  the  infinite  ways 

That  the  arm  swings  around  on  its  swiveL 


80  THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY 


THE    HANDS 


At  the  antipodal  extremity  of  the  arm  is  a  spatulate  growth, 
called  the  hand. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  81 

THE  HANDS 

The  hands  they  were  made  to  assist 

In  supplying  the  features  with  grist. 

There  are  only  a  few  — 

As  a  rule  about  two  — 

And  are  hitched  to  the  end  of  the  wrist. 


In  the  elbow  is  situated  the  end  of  the  humerus  or  funny 
bone,  in  which  there  resides  a  sort  of  dry  humor  that  is  released 
on  sudden  impact  with  foreign  bodies. 


THE  FUNNY  BONE 

Have  you  ever,  when  plum'rous  and  sore, 
Bumped  your  humerus  hard  on  the  door? 
Though  your  woes   they   be  numerous, 
They'll  depart,  so  the  rumor  is  — 
Since  that's  what  the  funny  bone's  for. 


THE     LI M ERATO MY 


THE   FINGERS 


The  spatulate  growth  of  the  hand  is  subdivided  into  other 
separate  growths,  forming  the  antennae  or  fingers. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


83 


Should  a  medical  treatise  discard 

All  extraneous  facts,  nor  regard 

The  beauty  that  lingers 

In  tapering  fingers? 

For  it's  hard  for  a  bard,  very  hard. 

To  the  palm  are  attached  the  fingers  and  wrist,  as  well  as 
a  certain  mystic  significance. 

THE   PALM 

In  the  lines  of  the  palm,  'tis  averred, 
That  your  capers  can  all  be  inferred. 
If  it's  true,  then  my  palms 
They  would  give  me  some  qualms  — 
But  I'm  sure  the  whole  thing  is  absurd ! 


THE     LI M ERATO MY 


THE  KNEES 


Beneath  the  trunk  are  the  struts  or  legs.  They  can  In- 
folded when  necessary,  owing  to  an  ingenious  contrivance 
called  the  knee, 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  85 

THE  KNEES 

Can  you  vaguely  imagine  the  fix 

If  your  legs  were  as  stiff  as  two  sticks? 

That's  exactly  the  reason 

They're  both  built  with  knees  on  — 

Otherwise  they'd  be  quite  good  for  nix. 


As  the  term  "knee"  appears  in  other  relations  to  the  figure, 
the  result  is  sometimes  confusing. 


THE  KIDNEYS 

You  need  not  be  a  kid  to  possess 
A  pair   of   kidneys  —  and    I    guess 
You  can  have  house-maid's  knee 
Without  having  to  be 
Accoutered  in  feminine  dress. 


86 


TIIK    BOW   LKGS 


The  legs  may  he  worn  in  a  variety  of  ways,  probably  the 
•widest  appeal  being  the  bow. 


THE     LI  M  ERATO  MY  87 

THE  BOW  LEGS 

Ain't  it  funny  sometimes  how  a  mode 

Will  reveal  what  we'd  never  have  knowed? 

Once  I  thought  women's  legs 

Were  straighter  than  pegs  — 

That  is,  till  I  learned  they  were  bowed. 


Below  the  knee  the  symmetricals  or  muscles  are  so  assem- 
bled as  to  form  the  calf. 


THE   CALVES 

Now  should  calves  be  discussed  in  a  poem 

When  it's  even  thought  wicked  to  show  'em? 

Still  if  they're  so   awful, 

Then  why  are  they  lawful, 

And  why  permit  people  to  grow  'em? 


88 


Till-'.    AXKI.K 


By  a  gradual  cessation  of  the  calf  is  evolved  the  ankle. 
When  there  is  no  cessation  there  is  no  ankle.  This,  however, 
is  of  small  consequence  for,  as  has  been  aptly  observed,  the 
beauty  of  the  ankle  is  only  shin  deep. 


THE     LI M  ERATO  MY 


89 


THE  ANKLE 

The  ankle's  chief  end  is  exposiery 

Of  the  latest  designs  in  silk  hosiery, 

Also  I  suspect 

It  was  made  to  connect 

The  part  called  the  calf  with  the  toesiery. 

Intermittent  planetary  contact  «s  essential  to  all  terrestrial 
locomotion.  This  relationship  is  established  in  the  human  in- 
stance by  means  of  the  two  movable  bases  or  feet.  When,  for 
any  reason,  the  basic  function  is  suspended,  automatic  contact 
may  be  maintained  elsewhere.  As  a  rule  the  bases  are  amen- 
able to  suggestion. 

THE  FEET 

I'm  so  glad  that  my  tootsies  can  circum- 
navigate round  when  I  work  'em. 
Like  strings  in  a  guitar 
The  chords  in  my  feet  are 
So  responsive  whenever  I  jerk  'em. 


90 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y 


PIGEON   TOES 


Feet,  like  many  other  things  in  life,  do  not  always  turn  out 
the  right  way. 


91 


PIGEON  TOES 

Said  a  pigeon-toed  maiden  named  Mame, 

"  Do  you  know  that  my  pigeon-toes  came 

Just  from  great  gulps  and  gobs 

Of  squabs  upon  squabs ! " 

Oh,  beware  of  the  pigeon-toed  dame. 


From  fossiology  we  learn  that  the  horse  of  yesterday  had 
toes.  To-day  he  has  a  hoof.  To-day  man  has  toes.  To-mor- 
row— who  knows ! 


THE  TOES 

At  the  bows  of  your  barges  the  toes  are, 

And  in  graded  quintettes  all  their  rows  are, 

Often  shod  with  such   grace  — 

But  this  book  is  no  place 

To  discuss  what  belongs  to  the  Beaux  Arts. 


THE     LI M ERATO  MY 


IN  RETROSPECT 


Having  studied  the  paragon  of  all  animal  growth  in  its 
varied  ])hases,  let  us  glimpse  for  a  moment  its  obscure  be- 
ginnings. 


THE     L  I  M  E  R  A  T  O  M  Y  93 

IN  RETROSPECT 

Once  he  scampered,  did  man,  long  before  us, 

In  the  days  of  the  Wacktheosaurus  — 

With  barely  a  shimmy  on, 

The  old  semi-simeon  — 

Which  must  have  seemed  most  indecorous. 


NOTE 

When  you  see,  though,  the  shocking  displays 
That  we  meet  on  all  sides  nowadays, 
Why  our  forbears  are  tripped, 
And  out-classed  and  out-stripped 
In  at  least  an  odd  billion  of  ways. 


APPENDIX 


96 


THE  APPENDIX 

Science  claims  we  might  all  move  about 
Sans  appendix,  the  which  I  don't  doubt. 
As  the  same  might  be  said 
Of  some  books  that  we've  read, 
Why  insert,  when  it's  better  cut  out? 


THE    END 


511886 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  672  995     8 


